


One Last Candle (to Keep Out the Night)

by Bates



Series: Otp fic-a-month challenge 2015 [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Gen, Grief, Letters, Major character death - Freeform, Suicide, Unrequited Love, a lot of angst going on, it happens off screen, please read at your own risk, season 10 divergent, though not showed in the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-03-09 19:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3262307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam Winchester was lost. Lost big time. He once had his brother to help him when he really wasn't in a good place, but now? Now even Dean is gone. With Dean gone and Gabriel gone too, he just doesn't know what to do.<br/>Terrified of his own thoughts, he writes a letter to Gabriel, bringing back memories he hoped he'd never have to face again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Last Candle (to Keep Out the Night)

**Author's Note:**

> A big, massive thank you to again to my wonderful beta [ScorchedAngel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorchedAngel/pseuds/ScorchedAngel).
> 
> This fic was written for the [otp fic-a-month challenge](http://otpfic-a-month.livejournal.com). This month's theme was winter/cold. I decided to stretch it a bit and extend it to this.  
> You can also find this fic on [LJ](http://youaregonecas.livejournal.com/7082.html) and there is a PDF available right [here](http://www.mediafire.com/view/c93s0fcn2c0urc6/One_last_candle_\(to_keep_out_the_night\).pdf) with the proper lay-out. If you would be curious about what inspired this fic, you can find that right [here](http://http://huggingsam.co.vu/tagged/hello-gabriel) along with the music for the fic on [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/mercifulsammy/one-last-candle).

Sam Winchester closed the door to his bedroom, locking it out of mere habit. He had nothing to hide, not anymore. Not how that he was alone in the bunker, now that the only one that could come in was Kevin’s ghost. Or… Dean’s. He locked the door without even realizing that he did it. If Cas was around and he wanted to come in, he didn’t have to use a key or door anyway, he could just zap himself in there.

           The Bunker was not his home, not anymore. Not with nobody there to share it. It already felt too big with only two people there, but at least, with Dean there, Sam hadn’t felt so alone. This was different. This was pure and raw loneliness.

            Was it the loneliness that drove him to this? Writing again after ages? Was it the half bottle of whiskey that he had downed earlier? He didn’t even care anymore. He had to do _something_ before he went completely stir crazy.

 

 

 

_25 th of December, 2012_

__

_~~Hi Gabe,~~ _

_~~Hi Gabriel,~~ _

_Hello Gabriel,_

_How are you? Good I hope? Man, life’s been crazy around here. Makes me miss you and your texts a bit. It has been a while since we last spoke. A shame. ~~I uh, kind of need the distraction right now.~~ There’s been some stuff happening and if I am honest, Gabriel? I am drowning, drowning in all that I am feeling. It is all so incredibly overwhelming. I didn’t even know that a heart could break into so many pieces._

_It’s the twenty-fifth today. Christ’s completely wrong birthday. I don’t know why us humans love it so much. I mean, I don’t know, I guess it can be fun when you’re a kid. Dean and I never had that. Dad was always hunting, never there. Christmas never became something we really celebrated._

_But Gabe? This Christmas, I am lonely. So damn lonely._

_Without Dean this is all so different. I guess you don’t know, but Dean… Dean’s dead. He got the mark of Cain and then Metatron killed him with the First Blade. ~~There’s more to tell you about him, more than these two lines, but, I can’t. I can’t tell you. It hurts too much, not having Dean there~~._

_Dean died because of something that we should have stopped god damn. If we’d just taken care of him, if I had never let Dean go in he wouldn’t have been killed with his own blade. I mean, how weird and just plain wrong can something get? Getting killed with your own weapon._

_I buried Dean yesterday. Hell, I am not a skilled man, but I made him a coffin. Worked on it for a week, a whole damn week. Dean lay on his bed for a whole week. After I… after I buried him, I locked the door behind me, I just couldn’t bear the room anymore._

_Where have you been Gabe? The past few weeks, all I’ve heard is that you’re dead. Cas believes that news. He has been around the past couple of weeks. Something you probably know. ~~At least,  I hope.~~ He seems to believe you are gone. Me, not so much. You’re too stubborn, we thought you were dead before and you ended up being alive so yeah, not going to throw in the towel just yet._

_I just, I don’t know, please know that if there is anything, anything at all, that you can always come to me, okay? I’ll be here to listen I’ll be here to fight too…_

_Gabriel, I know that we haven’t always been the best of friends and that we haven’t talked in such a long time, but if there is anything that I can do for you, anything at all, you tell me and you come here. Truth is, you are the only thing that I have left of my old life, the only thing that reminds me of how it used to be, as sad as that may sound._

_Take care of yourself Gabriel, please._

_Sam_

 

He was pathetic, he knew that. He knew that calling on the Archangel was the last thing that he ought to do, but it wasn’t like he was ever going to read the letter anyway. He sighed has he folded the letter closed, putting it in the destined envelope. One day, they would have to hunt Gabriel down, see if he was alright, but today? Today wasn’t that day.

            Today was supposed to be a day to gather your family around you and well, have at least a little bit of fun. Like that was going to happen. His whole family was, quite literally, dead. Mary, John, Dean, Bobby, Ellen, Jo. None of them couldn’t be there. All of them were somewhere either up or down.

            Crowley wouldn’t answer either. He tried calling on him, tried everything to get Dean back. If only he could save Dean from hell. If only. He’d go in, he would trade his soul for Dean’s, but Crowley wouldn’t. He just scowled and told him the same thing that the Trickster had once told him, what now seemed like a lifetime ago: That he had to learn to live _without_ his brother. They couldn’t keep testing fate.

            And however reluctant, Sam agreed, he gave up.

 

That meant spending Christmas alone in the bunker, locked away in his room. Ever since burying Dean, he hadn’t opened the door to his room.  Dean’s room was too familiar, too much like him even if it had never been a home to his brother.

            “Merry Christmas,” he whispered under his breath, lingering just a little bit longer at the door. Sam didn’t even bother to stop the slide of his hand against the door. “I don’t, I don’t know what to do without you here, Dean. Merry fucking Christmas man.”

 

 

He didn’t even notice the wind and snow until he locked the door of the bunker behind him, the letter tucked into the pocket of his jeans alongside the others. The hundreds maybe that he had started writing to Gabriel after his presumed death.

            He hadn’t looked back on them after he was done writing them. Hell, even now he didn’t want to open them, read back what a mess his life had been back then. He didn’t want to read about him getting hurt and well, telling Gabriel about his emotions had to hurt reading back on it.

            “Here goes nothing,” he sighed as he stepped into the Impala, faintly wary about the fact that he could very easily slip in the snow.  It almost shocked him how little he cared. Yeah, he could slip and hit a tree. He wouldn’t care if he walked away from the wreck or not. Feeling so low was scary, but at the same time, not.

 

 

Sam didn’t even realize that he was headed to the little clearing where he buried Dean until he was already walking in the woods, leaves breaking under his feet. The snow was melting under his steps, the slight crunch the only sound that filled the air.

            The woods didn’t manage to calm him down, no matter how much he needed to. The wooden cross was still there, his name etched in it, the amulet dangling from the place where the two pieces of wood intersect. Sam had fished it out of that garbage can years ago, but never offered it to Dean. He knew that the souvenir would only hurt is brother, so selfish as it was, he kept it.

            Sam crouched down in the snow in front of his brother. The scene was so familiar, too familiar. He’d been here, with Jess, with John, with Bobby, but never with Mary. No matter how much it hurt not to have that connection to his mother, he’d been too young when she died. Her grave was no more than a tombstone to him. He didn’t have the memories that Dean had.

            Jess’s had hurt, hurt more than he had ever imagined. The feeling that he lacked when seeing his mother’s grave, he got when he saw Jess’s. The wave of guilt that hit him when he saw the date of her death so clearly, the death that he had caused. A short life ended on that second of November, 2005. He had loved her, still had that ring he had bought her. It lay on his dresser in the box. She’d never get a chance to say yes.

            And then, their father had died too. He’d seen his body burn like he had watched Jess burn on the ceiling that night. Losing his father was completely different. John hadn’t been a real father to him, he had been that jackass that took care of them occasionally. It wasn’t like he didn’t grieve for his father or it didn’t hurt him to have lost him, it was just different.

            Bobby died and Sam remembered feeling so incredibly numb when that heart beat stopped. After that, he didn’t remember a lot, he only remembered the silence that followed between him and his brother, how he kept looking around to see where Bobby was before remembering that Bobby wouldn’t join them anymore. He lost track of how often he dialled his number to ask him for information on a case, before realizing that he’d never answer.

            And now Dean… Just looking at the wooden cross made his heart ache. That was _Dean._ His brother. All those memories that he had with Dean, all those both good and bad ones, they all resurfaced. They were there, fresh in his memory. He only had to blink to see them. There were so many, so many that were like a knife to the heart.

            Sam sighed before opening the first letter, the letter that he had written all those years ago. He didn’t even remember them clearly. In at least _one_ of the first, he had been drunk. Drunk out of his mind and he couldn’t even remember why it was. He’d remember soon enough, while reading them.

            But the thing was, he was scared to open the letters. He knew what they could do, what could be in them. All those old wounds would be opened up again. Just now he would die to feel whole again. They would make him feel worse. Which would be unavoidable. They would make him hurt again, over losses that he had finally worked through.

 

 

 

_5 th of May, 2009_

_Gabe!_

_Hi there man. Dean just took my booze away, the heathen. Fucking bastard. You know, after all this time, you’d think we couldn’t get drunk anymore. Well, you guessed wrong. Very wrong in fact. I don’t know._

_How long has it been Gabe? Since your jerk of a brother killed you? A few months? I don’t know. I do know that I haven’t slept too much since that night. Dean keeps asking me why I am awake so often. How do you even answer something like that?_

_He might, I don’t know, think I’m struggling with the apocalypse stuff. Which is true, I guess. That’s there too, but that’s not what is in my nightmares._

_You are. Yeah, laugh all you want, I know you’re laughing at me. You see yourself dead and we’ll talk again ‘kay? You know, I kinda miss you…_

_I miss you a lot. Maybe more than a lot…_

_Okay. I’ll shut up now. Dean’s looking very pissed right now. It’s funny. Why won’t he and Castiel just hook up or something? Would take tension away from the both of them._

_I’m drunker than I thought. Don’t even know when I finished my last bottle to be honest. Or well, the last day that I didn’t long for this. But it is there to hide something else. Something that might damn well be worse than alcohol. The choice between the other thing and alcohol would be so incredibly easy. Actually, probably fast too._

_I miss you man_

_Sam_

__

_6 th of May, 2009_

_So I just noticed the other letter. Sorry. I don’t know what it said, can’t have been good. I was so drunk last night._

__

_26 th of May, 2009_

_I’m not as pathetic as you may think. I’ve been better, yes, but I think I’ve been worse too. Dean has been looking at me weirdly for weeks now and I don’t know Gabe, it just starts getting to me._

_But I’ll be alright, don’t worry about me just, promise me one thing._

_That one thing being that you’re still alive. Dean won’t believe me and your brother won’t either. “He’s gone, Sam. When Lucifer killed him, he left”. Morons. You’d be too smart. You ARE too smart to give in to something like this, right? Please tell me that you are. I am begging of you. Don’t be dead. Don’t be dead._

_I don’t know if I can handle your death. I don’t know if I can handle it if you too die because of something that I did, because I dared to die. Please tell me that it isn’t true. Please tell me that._

_I need you to be okay and I don’t even care if that is selfish. I just, I don’t know Gabe._

__

_30 th of April, 2009_

_Days and nights have been bleeding into one for weeks now, but now? I don’t even realize it when I sleep anymore. Maybe you know that. You probably do. Or well, you might now. After all, you have never been human._

_Sometimes, I almost forgot that. That you aren’t or well, weren’t human. You always seemed so sincere before. Not only sincere, but open too, full of emotions sometimes even… I know you probably don’t like hearing that, but it is true._

_You may have been an angel/Archangel for such a long time and never human, but you are doing being a human or at least pretending to be one so much better than I am right now. I might as well be a demon for how tainted and bruised I am._

_You know about the demon blood. I don’t think you know just how bad it is, how wrong yet, how good if feels. Perhaps even, yes, how addictive that feeling really is. You saw through my façade. I realize that. It was probably hard for you to miss, just how tainted and black my soul has become because of something that I myself did._

_I am trying so hard not to let Dean notice, but he probably does. His brother has been… different I guess. Ruby takes up so much of my time now. And don’t get me wrong here, I like her. And, I don’t know man, this is weird, but the sex is great…_

_If I am honest, I can’t see where my love for Ruby ends and where the addiction begins. I don’t even know if what I feel for Ruby right now actually is love or maybe, nothing at all, not anymore. Yeah, you read that one right. I am Sam Winchester and addicted to demon blood, welcome to AA._

_At this point, I am very sure that I don’t love Ruby, not really. She was incredibly good for me, for a while. After Dean died, I got lost along the way. The woods were too dark a place. My mind started wandering and I just, didn’t find the way back. I got lost big time. But all that time, she was there for me. She was my distraction. God knows I needed her back then, but now? I don’t think I need her anymore, all I need is her blood. I no longer want her for the flesh or the person, only for the blood._

_And that scared me. Scared the crap out of me if I am honest, but God knows I need it, need it bad. Need it to defeat your jackass of a brother. I’ll get revenge for you, okay? I’ll avenge your death, even if perhaps, you may still be alive. He deserves to be punished for even trying._

_I still miss you._

_Sam_

 

__

_27 th of August, 2009_

_We’re going through with it. We’re going to do it. I am, at least. I’m going to say yes to your brother. It is the only way I do not break the world more than I already did._

_I need to try Gabriel. I need to at least try to get better, I need to try to get your brother into the cage._

_I know that once upon a time, I promised you and everyone around me that I would never go through with anything like this, that I would, that I would never say yes to something like this but you know what? I have broken too much, hurt too many people._

_Dean has nightmares of Hell and it is because of me. Because he brought me back from the dead. If he hadn’t done that back then, then perhaps, this wouldn’t be happening now. I would be dead, in Hell and Dean would have never gotten the scars._

_Without Dean going to hell, you too wouldn’t have come into my life. I am sorry Gabriel, but I caused us both so many problems. It would have been better if you had never met me. If you hadn’t seen the tainted mess that I am, all broken and bruised._

_I am duct tape and safety pins inside. Ready to collapse._

_Dean tried to dry me out. Cut all of the demon blood out of me, make all the longings go away, but they can’t ever do that. It all hurt so much in those moments, seeing mom sitting next to me and feeling so empty. I even saw myself while I was hallucinating._

_It hurt so much in all those moments that even though I know I was begging them to get me out, I knew what I was really asking. In my head, all I could think was; please kill me. Please kill me. How awful of a thought is that? How can a person think that?_

_I mean, once upon a time, I used to think that people who committed suicide were selfish. Now, I have changed my mind about that, even if it is ever so slightly. They are brave. So incredibly brave._

_This will probably my last letter. Maybe one day, you’ll actually read these, but I hope to God that you don’t ever have to. Dean will probably try to get them to you if you are alive. I almost feel like I’m writing a suicide note. Perhaps I am. I might as well be._

_Tomorrow or in two days, Lucifer will have me and I will do everything that I can not to let him overpower me. I will fight for whatever it is. But if I don’t succeed in what I planned to do. I am sorry, okay? So incredibly sorry._

_All I wanted to do is some good to this world that we already broke. The first seal wouldn’t have been broken if Dean hadn’t gone to Hell for me. It is my fault. All my fault. It makes me nauseous just thinking about how much I screwed up. I screwed up so bad, so incredibly bad._

_And again, I am sorry._

__

_If this is my ‘suicide note’, there are some things that I need to confess. Thoughts that I haven’t allowed myself to think for such a long long time. But I am throwing it out there. I am giving in to it now, because I know that otherwise, I will never say those words and you’ll never hear them. I know it may seem something so trivial, so incredibly trivial, but I need you to know._

_I love you._

_It’s as simple as that. I love you. Have been in love with you for weeks or maybe even months now. And I am tired of hiding it, tired of tucking it away in a dark corner of my mind just because I cannot deal with it, not right now. I need you to know. I need you to know that. And just how much your loss broke me._

_It broke me into a thousand tiny little pieces._

__

_Sorry sorry sorry.  I am so incredibly sorry_

_Sam_

__

_15 th of January, 2011_

_Hello Gabriel…_

_It has been quite the while, hasn’t it? I guess that, well, that I am sorry for what I did. I really thought that I could help the people, I really thought that perhaps, I could help them and well, as foolish as it may be, that I could maybe overpower your brother._

_I failed. Not completely, it’s true; I got your brother in the cage, but at what cost? Not even just for me, but for the whole population._

_I wandered about soulless for almost a year. Dean, he told me about all the things that I did and how I was. They never even noticed that I was soulless… how does a brother do that? How can you see somebody almost every day and have known for so long not even notice that something as vital as a soul was missing. How? HOW?_

_That’s what I keep asking myself as the wall in my head crumbles. Your brother, he seems to be everywhere now. I can’t even eat without your brother being here, close, being there with a smile on his lips and a remark about something that I did or was planning on doing. I cannot do anything._

_And it hurts. Dean keeps telling me, he’s not really there, it all isn’t real. But I feel like it is and it messed me up. It all messed me up so incredibly bad. Oh god._

_There’s this wound in the palm of my hand and it hurts like a bitch, but it is the only way that I can do this, that I can keep him at bay. And it doesn’t even work all the time. I wish that it would, but it doesn’t._

_Sam_

__

_25 th of February, 2011_

_Your brother is the worst._

__

_27 th of February, 2011_

_Like I said before, I cannot deal with your brother. Not full time and not anymore. He has started taunting me with you now. Making me see you broken and bruised, the black outline of wings on the floor. He laughs when I flinch away. I don’t know why. Perhaps because, okay, I don’t know man._

_But yesterday, he went overboard. Yesterday, he pretended to be you. Like full on. If dean hadn’t come in when he did and walked straight through you, I wouldn’t have even noticed that it wasn’t real. That it wasn’t really you._

_And now, because of him, that sharp pain is back and it is worse. So much worse than it was before. It took me a while before I started thinking of you again. I mean, for over a year, not a single one of my thoughts were about you and then he showed up. And then he showed up and ruined everything._

_Your brother is a jerk. I would have… I don’t even know Gabriel._

_I miss you_

_Sam_

__

_18 th of April, 2012_

_Dean is gone. He has been for a few months now. I tried writing you this letter so many times now, but I don’t know why, it just never works out the way that I want it to work. There’s a little pile of paper next to me and I know that Amelia is looking at me right now, but I don’t care that much if I am honest._

_Yeah. That’s one of the things that I need to talk to you about… Amelia. But first, Dean and Cas by extent._

_We were on the hunt for Dick Roman – yes, laugh all you want, trust me, we did too – when it happened. Well, we caught him, if that’s what you want to call it. But, as a price for that, Dean and Cas got sucked in too. They disappeared. And, I don’t know Gabriel, I don’t know why, but I lost my brother again._

_I was lost for a while. I tried to find him, but each of my attempts didn’t really work out. I never found him and then, I left. I stopped looking, selfish bastard that I am. I stopped looking for my brother, the only one who has been there for me, always has and probably always will._

_I just stopped looking, like he asked me to.  Since when do I listen to him? Since when do I listen to my brother when he says to let him go? I shouldn’t, it’s not the thing to do. He wouldn’t, he would keep on fighting._

_But he asked me to do so. How could I ignore him Gabe? How could I?_

_I got lost for a while, but not as bad as last time, not as bad as when I was getting ready to jump into the pit. I am lost, but not completely._

_Amelia helped me. Kept me on a right path that doesn’t end in depression or almost dying for a change. It’s a nice change. Amelia isn’t you, but she’s good for me, she can help me. She’s been so kind and loving. She knows that I don’t like talking about it, about what happened to Dean._

_She knows that I lost my brother and that I have nightmares, that sometimes, I wake up gasping because the nightmare was so bad that I can’t breathe. She keeps asking me about who you are. She keeps asking me over and over again, and I just don’t know what to tell her. I told her before that you were a friend, that I lost you. I never told her why._

_She understands, but her father doesn’t. Don doesn’t like me that much. He sees me as a broken person that will only make things worse, that will make it worse for her. She has been through a lot too. She lost her husband to the war. He was killed in Action. She doesn’t like talking about it either, and I understand. Hell, I understand completely._

_The thing is Gabriel, both of us are so broken that I don’t know how long this will stay a good thing, how long it will be before one of us cuts the other person so badly that it just all falls apart. It is what I am afraid of._

_Other than that? I am doing… not good, but not bad either. I have been through worse. I have made it through worse. But we’ll have to. We have to get through._

_How are you Gabriel? Please tell me that you are okay. Please. I need you to be, I need you to be alive and there…_

_I don’t know what to do man. I miss you a lot._

_Sam_

__

_25 th of May, 2012_

_Hello Gabriel,_

_He came back. I don’t know if you remember about him or not, but Amelia’s husband, he came back. I know, I thought he was killed in action too, but, it appears that he wasn’t. When he showed up, I don’t know whose heart broke worse, hers or mine._

_I gave her space and eventually, let her go. He’s her husband. What else could I do? There is nothing, nothing. He deserves to be with her._

_Gabriel, I’m broken._

__

_30 th of November, 2012_

_Gabe,_

_He came back. He came back. Dean isn’t gone. And neither is your brother. They both came back. I just, I figured you should know. That you should know that your brother is safe. I know how relieved I was when he came back._

_At first, he was so incredibly lost. You wouldn’t believe it. He came back alone, without Cas. He had to leave him behind in Purgatory._

_I know that you still care a lot for him. After all, he was your brother. Is your brother. He still has a brother, you’re still around._

_I am okay. I guess. How are you?_

_Sam_

__

_1 st of January, 2013_

_Happy 2013 Gabriel. I don’t even know why I am still writing you, I am sure that you have better things to do than this and well, I think that you’ve probably died… I haven’t heard from you in so, so, so long that it just, it has to be the truth, right?_

_It is just that, I’d thought or at least, hoped that you’d be back by now. That I’d have heard from you that you would have shown a sign of life. But you didn’t. And that’s okay, really, it is._

_Dean has been different lately. He’s just glad that he has Castiel back, even if it isn’t the same as it was before._

_Sam_

__

_We’ve been doing the trails, everything to lock the doors of hell. Each trial weakens me, makes me less of a man and more of a machine. It’s like stopping Lucifer all over again. The world is falling apart and it is all my fault. Again._

_When did all of this become such a burden? When did all of this become so hard to handle?_

_I need you, Gabe. I need you._

_Sam_

__

_Gabriel,_

_Sam is not in a good place at the moment. After the trials, I took him to the hospital. I think, this is all a waste of time, but he’d want you to know I guess.. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have kept writing you letters, especially not after all those years. He’s in a coma and according to the doctors, he won’t wake up._

_I don’t know if I can believe them or not at the moment, they sure do like to give up on people. But, he’s not in a good place at the moment._

_You are not my favourite person, but Sam trusts you for some strange reason. I have just stopped asking myself why that is exactly. He thinks that you are still out there and I damn well know that Cas too wants that to be the truth_

_So, I guess that you ought to know. If you are there, now would be a good time to show your face. A very good time. Bring your grace with you, if you can find the time._

_Dean_

__

_Gabriel,_

_Time has passed, a lot of time even. The trails are over, heaven is boarded up and… I am messed up. Messed up big time, again._

__

_I don’t know if these letters are still helping me and quite frankly, I’m thinking that these letters are making everything worse._

_Everything is fucked up, incredibly fucked up. I fucked up. And there is nothing here… nothing._

_For years, I clung to this little spark of hope that you were okay, that you were alive but you know what, I tried to believe. I tried to believe in you so damn much, but I couldn’t, not anymore. There is sadness and then there is this and, Gabriel, I just can’t believe in you anymore._

_You were always there and now, you aren’t. I am starting to realize that you were never there at all and that all of these letters… they are just a waste of time. You won’t listen. You’ll never listen._

_So, this is it. Gabriel, this is it._

_G o o d b y e_

 

Sam was crying by the time that he finished all his letters. He cried his eyes out. All those things he felt back then coming back so raw and pure. They were overwhelming, so incredibly overwhelming.

            And it wasn’t just the memories coming back, it was the thoughts too. He knew that there was so much more than what was in those letters. He had never dared to write about how willing he had been to put a bullet through his skull, how hard it had been to get up in the morning sometimes. How hard it still was.

Sam still dragged himself out of bed. He never looked at the ceiling because he knew that if he looked up, he could see Jess burning again. He could see her figure burn, the panic in her eyes as she looked down on him that day in November. Sam could see the blame in them.

            It were those eyes that haunted him during the day and made him feel a little bit worse every day. Not just Jess though. It would be unfair to put the blame on her, while it wasn’t all her, not at all quite frankly. It was Dean dying too, Gabriel being M.I.A. it was everything that just came together in his head and caused a thundercloud.

            More than a thundercloud, a roaring storm that sometimes completely covered the sun. Some days, a sliver of slight shone through the deck of clouds, letting him have that little bit of happiness and other days, it felt like the sky only became more and more clouded, letting not even the slightest sliver through.

Today was a bad day, and Sam wasn’t coping.

 

He had only just slammed the door to the bunker closed behind him when his foot connected with something on the ground. Sam was one hundred percent sure he hadn’t seen it when leaving the bunker earlier.

            It could have fallen, but then again, that _was_ unlikely. His letters had been tied up perhaps a little bit too tight to get loose.

            There were only a handful of letters there, in blank envelopes. _These were due ages ago. I’m sorry._

Sam read all five of them, until his eyes became too teary to continue on reading. They were from Gabriel. _Gabriel was alive_. He was alive and well and sorry. It helped, even if it was just a little. He had been on the run from heaven, taken time off.

But it was too late now, Sam realized that. Gabriel may be alive, but he would stay as far away from him as he could. He had read the letters. He knew of Sam’s feelings towards him. He had finally done it, he had pushed the last thing he cared about away. No one could love a broken shell, especially not an angel with armour around his heart.

 

Sam was crying by the time that he finished all his letters. He cried his eyes out. All those things he felt back then coming back so raw and pure. They were overwhelming, so incredibly overwhelming.

            And it wasn’t just the memories coming back, it was the thoughts too. He knew that there was so much more than what was in those letters. He had never dared to write about how willing he had been to put a bullet through his skull, how hard it had been to get up in the morning sometimes. How hard it still was.

Sam still dragged himself out of bed. He never looked at the ceiling because he knew that if he looked up, he could see Jess burning again. He could see her figure burn, the panic in her eyes as she looked down on him that day in November. Sam could see the blame in them.

            It were those eyes that haunted him during the day and made him feel a little bit worse every day. Not just Jess though. It would be unfair to put the blame on her, while it wasn’t all her, not at all quite frankly. It was Dean dying too, Gabriel being M.I.A. it was everything that just came together in his head and caused a thundercloud.

            More than a thundercloud, a roaring storm that sometimes completely covered the sun. Some days, a sliver of slight shone through the deck of clouds, letting him have that little bit of happiness and other days, it felt like the sky only became more and more clouded, letting not even the slightest sliver through.

Today was a bad day, and Sam wasn’t coping.

 

He had only just slammed the door to the bunker closed behind him when his foot connected with something on the ground. Sam was one hundred percent sure he hadn’t seen it when leaving the bunker earlier.

            It could have fallen, but then again, that _was_ unlikely. His letters had been tied up perhaps a little bit too tight to get loose.

            There were only a handful of letters there, in blank envelopes. _These were due ages ago. I’m sorry._

Sam read all five of them, until his eyes became too teary to continue on reading. They were from Gabriel. _Gabriel was alive_. He was alive and well and sorry. It helped, even if it was just a little. He had been on the run from heaven, taken time off.

But it was too late now, Sam realized that. Gabriel may be alive, but he would stay as far away from him as he could. He had read the letters. He knew of Sam’s feelings towards him. He had finally done it, he had pushed the last thing he cared about away. No one could love a broken shell, especially not an angel with armour around his heart.

__

Sam would pay one more visit to his brother and then he’d leave. He had packed up everything that he wanted, everything that he needed. It didn’t even fill a bag to take on the road. All he took were the letters that he had written, the letters that had been written by Gabriel.

            The rest was arbitrary. He could pick up some clothes on the road, and the rest? The rest would come back to him in one form or another. Things like his cell, they were only reminders of what he had lost and would never get back.

            The thing that hurt the most about all of this was leaving behind the Impala in the garage. Dean would have wanted his baby to be loved but Sam, he just couldn’t. Maybe Cas could drive it if he wanted. After all, Dean had a thing for the angel. His brother had never really managed to hide just how much trust he put in Castiel.

__

The snow had melted away mostly, the little bits of snow that had remained turned into a muddy mess. Nature always lost its beauty when winter gave up its hold on it and the snow melted. It was a shame, but Sam had stopped caring a long, long, long time ago. He didn't know when he had stopped caring about it, if it was somewhere after Dean's death or if it was a long, long time before that. All he knew was that it was kind of sad. He hated it, he hated how little he cared about everything now.

"Bye Dean," he whispered sinking down in front of the grave. "I uh, I didn't tell Cas that I am leaving, not yet. I feel so bad though, so incredibly bad about it. But yeah, I am leaving all of this.“ His gaze shifted to his feet and the way they dug into the snow under his feet. "I was too ashamed. He'll figure it out, eventually.”

What was he going to do now? Where could he go? Where could he go that offered him at least some relief? He didn't even dare be all on his own, knew that all that kept him alive was his brother being upset. People who killed themselves went to hell, he knew that and the last thing he wanted to do was end up in hell. But then again, who cared about it? Sam sure didn't.

He could go to hell and be tortured and he'd be glad because he'd know that at least that would allow him to feel. To feel something except this numbness.

"Dean, I am sorry about everything that I did. I know that I shouldn't have done most of it." He didn't noticed it when tears started to flow freely. "I don't know how long I can hang on, not anymore. So please, if I do something. I am sorry, I am so incredibly sorry."

 

He didn't know how long he sat there, knees feet pulled up to his chest and tears falling freely.  Sam’s knees had given out on him at some point. The sobs that tore through his chest were violent; violent enough to have him coughing and gasping for breath. He was a _mess,_ a god damn mess and the thing was, he didn’t care.

            Sam didn’t care if anyone found him like this or not. Part of him wanted to be found, wanted people to know how messed up he was and another part, it wanted to keep everything silent. He was a failure as it was, if people _knew_ just how messed up he actually was, things would be worse. They would look at him differently, with disgust.

            He didn’t bother wiping the tears or snot away anymore, he knew that it was a waste of effort. His tears would be replaced with new ones until his body couldn’t muster up the energy anyway. The darkness covered him like a blanket, it weighed him down. Just doing something like that was a waste of effort.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I am such a failure, but I’ll show you.” The words weren’t louder than a whisper. “I’ll show you that I am brave.”

__

 

The motor purred under him. He had almost forgotten how good it could feel to be on the road every once in a while, how could it could be to feel the wind. The roads were slippery with the melted snow that had frozen over last night and well, that was good.

            He had no clue of where he was going, didn’t have a direction to go. Why would he? It wasn’t like people needed him somewhere. He was on his own and well, for what he was intending to do, there was no chosen spot.

            Sam Winchester, biggest pussy of them all, was going to actually do the brave thing. He was going to end this himself. Demons wouldn’t take his deals, Crowley wasn’t showing up and Cas? Cas didn’t need him.

            The angel hadn’t needed him in a long time, he was good on his own. It hurt, knowing that even the last thing that he could survive for, for an angel that had once clung to his brother like a beacon, didn’t need anyone anymore.

 

He made one quick stop to at least call, to get to say goodbye. It was a coward’s thing to do. Sam had that little spark of hope that perhaps Cas would be able to talk him out of this.

 _Calling_ ‘Castiel’…The phone kept ringing, until it eventually went to voicemail. The voice in the back of his head was vicious as it snapped back at him. _They don’t care about you Sammy. You should have known._

 

 

The pebbles crunched under the man’s shoes. It was the only sound at the graveyard where they had buried him, now a little under a year ago. The neighbours knew when he would come, every day at six pm, when the sun started its decent from the sky.

            He was a regular, like the widows and widowers visiting their wives or husbands, like the parents that lost children too soon and yet, he wasn’t one of them. People assumed, assumed that he was a friend of the kid buried there or that he had some connection to him.

            They didn’t talk to the man, who looked more than lonely. Some tried, but he always shooed them away. Maybe he really just wasn’t the talkative guy or the trauma that accompanied the other person’s death.

 

One morning, the guy arrived with a letter and sat down on the ground next to the grave. It was different from what the man usually did, he usually just stood there lost in thought.

            “Hey there,” the man muttered, “I brought you a letter. It was fitting. You always wrote me letters when you thought I was dead, now it’s my turn.” He sighed before. “I just, I wanted to tell you how incredibly sorry I am, Sammy. I was there, I was there when you wrote me and when you broke down. “and, Sammy, I was there when you crashed that motorcycle. I saw you fly through the air and crash against that tree. There was _nothing_ that I could do, I couldn’t help you. You wanted to die. It broke my heart Sam. You broke my heart.” The man fumbled with the cuffs of his jacket. It was too big on him, the sleeves a solid inch too long. “And then I found your note and, it broke me even more. But this is not about me.

            “I am sorry you had to go through all of that alone. I should have been there instead of lingering back. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Sam.”

 

He sat there in silence. For the first time since starting his visits, a single tear rolled over his cheek. The man wiped it away within seconds.

            “Look at me now Sasquatch. You got me to become a bit more human. I…I loved you, okay? If you can admit it, then I can do too. You got an archangel to admit to feelings. If that’s not something big, then I don’t know what is.

            “I got to go now Sam but, I, I’ll see you in heaven.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was quite the rollercoaster ride, wasn't it? Thank you all for sticking with the fic until the end.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [mercifulsammy](http://mercifulsammy.tumblr.com).


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